I admit I haven’t written awhile on my blog. I have been in season of major transition. God has been preparing me in ways to be stronger. I will never understand it. To some, I have given up on a relationship. To others, I should have never even been in the relationship. To me, I feel personally that the relationship was meant to be for a time. Just as God has us on this Earth. It is for a time. We are to enjoy the journey until our destination is ready to take us home to be with our Lord and Savior.

I love Fred and the kids very much. I struggled with my relationship with Fred for awhile. I was the one trying to keep it going because I am a fixer. I can do this. I wanted it to work and needed it to work. I stayed in it a little too long. I think we both needed each other in the beginning - we lost focus - we drifted apart. My relationship was not where I wanted it to be. I prayed about it and got answers I ignored because I wanted to fix it. I became sick more than usual and had to back off on going over to their house just so I could rest. By doing this, it was like I stirred up a hornet’s nest. I wasn’t doing what Fred wanted and it became all about him and what I wasn’t doing for him and his kids. It was a side I never seen before. It really brought out the selfish person in him.

I am hurting and this will all take time. I know God is all over this. He will help us all if we let Him.

On my way home from consoling a good friend of mine tonight, words came to my mind about heartache. It pretty much sums it up…..

What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

(Not seeing that loving you)
That’s what I was trying to do

In ways, Fred walked out on us a long time ago. It was about him - not about us. I feel in my heart I made the right choice because doors are opening up for me that were shut before. I am grieving - I am sad - I am mad. But I know God is there. He is my pillow and my light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I feel His love all around me. I am trying to practice being thankful more to return my love for my Heavenly Father.

I have a long road ahead and so do many others. We must stay focused on walking with God and having a relationship with Him. Ultimately, He is our number one focus.